How to Become a Cunnilingus Master

Cunnilingus has an undeserved reputation as one of the trickiest sexual acts to perform well. I think this characterization is grounded in cultural judgments of the vulva as being “complicated” and “mysterious.” Let’s lay this unfair reputation to rest with some straightforward advice on performing awesome cunnilingus.

For this guide, I’ve enlisted the help of Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman. As a sex therapist, I’ve read a lot of sexual advice books. She Comes First easily ranks in my personal top five. Most sex books are too vague to actually be useful, but Kerner covers every aspect of cunnilingus in detail, and gives tons of specific techniques. Kerner had a personal stake in honing his oral sex technique, too—he bravely admits in the opening chapter that his struggles with premature ejaculation motivated him to find other ways of pleasing his partners. So, with his advice, here’s a step-by-step guide to learning how to give your partner great head.

*Please note that while Kerner’s book is written for men, his advice works for women who perform cunnilingus too.

First: Put your partner at ease
A lot of people simply don’t feel comfortable receiving oral sex. For some women in particular, this is due to insecurities about their scent or taste, or their internalized beliefs that their genitals are “ugly.” Some worry that their partners are finding the experience unpleasant. Others dislike being the center of attention, or find themselves unable to relax when receiving. Women are socialized to be hypercritical of their bodies, so having your eyes, nose, and mouth right in the middle of one of the most sensitive parts of it is going to evoke at least a little resistance.

You’re not going to be able to completely change your partner’s relationship with their body in one fell tongue-swoop, but you can make a special effort to help them feel more at ease. Kerner says part of doing so involves changing your own perceptions of oral sex. One of the biggest misconceptions about cunnilingus is that “‘outercourse’ is less satisfying than ‘intercourse’.” For many, oral sex is the most physically pleasurable sexual act. It’s not “foreplay” in the sense that you spend a few minutes on it, then move on to the “main course.” When you offer to go down on someone, make it clear that you’re taking this activity seriously, and are excited to do it.

Kerner has a chapter called “The Cunnlingus Manifesto,” which includes three important guidelines for helping you and your partner enjoy the experience even more:

Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does.

There’s no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment.

Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful. It all emanates from the same, beautiful essence.

If you can convey each of these beliefs in a sincere way, you’re miles ahead of most people!

Get comfortable: You’re in it for the long haul
Taking your time is another great way to help your partner feel more relaxed and excited about what you have in store. The clitoris is extremely sensitive, so you don’t want to dive in right away. Kerner recommends spending plenty of time “kissing, hugging, touching, and sharing fantasies,” and making sure your partner is aroused before starting to make your way between their legs. Once you’re down there, continue taking your time. Kerner says to “start with light vertical licks from bottom to top.”

It takes women 20 minutes on average to reach orgasm, so it’s important that you settle in for the journey, too:

Make sure your body is supported and that you’re stretched out and recumbent. You want your gums and tongue more at a 45 degree angle than 90 degrees, which is more comfortable. Let her do some of the work by pressing her body into your gum line. Her legs should be close enough together that you can lean to the right or left and rest your head comfortably against her leg while never missing a lick.

If you’re not a fan of laying on your stomach, you can try kneeling at the foot of the bed between their legs. Whatever you do, just make sure you’re prepared to take your time.

Hone in on a routine, but err on the side of caution
Kerner’s clients have some hilarious descriptions of the oral sex their partners performed. One woman complained that her partner treated cunnilingus like “the running of the bulls in Spain—a mad stampede for the clit.” Another said it felt like a “cobra defending itself from a mongoose.” Continuing the colorful metaphor trend, Kerner says, “Think of your tongue like the fluttering of gentle butterfly wings or like a thick wet magic marker carefully drawing a still-life.” Translation: it’s better to be gentle and methodical than too rough or overly acrobatic.

That means you have to find a method that works and stick with it. One of the things I like best about She Comes First is that Kerner goes through detailed routines of strokes and techniques, in specific order. There’s no fluff like, “just keep licking!” Everything is laid out for you. I asked Kerner for a basic routine to start with, and he gladly obliged:

Spread her labia and focus on licking the area of the front commissure, just above the glans (the clitoris). Use the index finger of your free hand to occasionally intersperse horizontal finger strokes across the glans with vertical tongue strokes.

As her arousal is increasing, you can insert a single finger, or possibly two. Use your tongue at first to enhance arousal and then a finger to complement and push arousal to the next stage. Don’t try to “fuck” her vagina with either tongue or fingers. Press your fingers upwards into her G-spot, while applying persistent licks.

With your free hand, you can touch her breasts, gently squeeze her nipples, caress her stomach or place under a butt cheek for support.

This is a straightforward technique that can serve as a great place to start, but keep in mind that every person likes different things when it comes to cunnilingus. Some like oral and manual stimulation at the same time, while others don’t. Some orgasm best from tongue circles around the clitoris, others prefer a light sucking motion. Kerner recommends watching and listening to their reactions to find what works best, but there’s another old standby that works just as well (if not better): ask your partner! If they know what they like, they’ll probably gladly tell you. And if you two haven’t become comfortable talking about sex yet, we’ve written about how to get better—even if you’re shy.

Pay special attention to the commissure
Kerner’s approach to cunnilingus is unique in focusing on the commissure, which is the area right above the clitoris and clitoral hood. It’s a smooth area of skin that tends to get ignored, due to its proximity to the obviously more infamous clitoris. In his chapters on female anatomy, Kerner talks about the fact that pressure on the commissure can stimulate some of the internal fibers of the clitoris. Here’s one of Kerner’s specific technique for the pleasuring the commissure:

Make your mouth into an Elvis Presley snarl and press your gum into her front commissure. Make a seal between your gum and her front commissure. You want to be a bit high above the glans, at a 45 degree angle to her vaginal entrance. Continue to apply persistent licks.

If you’re having a hard time visualizing this, think about what your lips look like when you’re taking a bite out of an apple (minus the teeth of course!).

Prepare for orgasm
As your partner starts nearing orgasm, Kerner advises pulling their legs closer together to increase the stimulation. But there’s one thing, above all else, that you should remember as they gets close to orgasm: do not change what you’re doing in terms of routine and pacing. Do not let yourself get sped up by their rising intensity. Keep being deliberate and methodical. Consistency is key for most women, so once you’ve found something that works, stick to it and do not stray from the path! If you do, you may have a very frustrated partner on your hands.

The clitoris is extremely sensitive after orgasm, so give your partner a chance to cool down and settle back in before attempting any other action. Say how much you enjoyed lavishing attention on their beautiful body, and congratulate yourself on a job well done.

This article was originally published in June 2015 and updated on Dec. 30, 2020 to incorporate more gender-neutral language and align the content with current Lifehacker style.


Other articles



Google Custom Search Engine - vnse.net | Tiếng Việt